EVENING
by Machina Maw
Summary: When you can live forever... how does someone annoy you to death?
1. In Which Bella Hates Edward

AN: I hate Twilight. This is written from Bella's POV. Also, it's obviously not meant to be serious. Please, if this in any way offends you, give me horrible reviews and flame me. :)

As I was walking into school that morning, I tripped over a stray cat.

"God curse you to hell!" I screeched, and received a strange look from a passing gaggle of freshmen. They didn't understand, of course. I'm _so_ clumsy, so _incredibly_ clumsy, that I once tripped over the cord of my cordless phone, and landed with my head in the stew-pot in which I was preparing Charlie's dinner. Then he beat me for being unladylike. At any rate, you have no idea how incredibly clumsy I am. Because I'm really, really clumsy. I'd have to say that being clumsy is my biggest imperfection. Incredible when you think about it, seeing as I apparently did dancing for many years when I was a child. But this did nothing to hone my sense of balance, and because I needed one intrinsic character flaw, instead of making me lazy or selfish or rude, my creator made me clumsy. Definitely the worst of deficiencies, I think.

I headed into biology class and took my seat beside Edward Cullen. As usual, he was staring at me in his creepy, bloodshot, drugged-to-the-eyeballs way.

"Hi Bella," he breathed as I sat down next to him. Affixing a sneer of disdain to my face, I glanced at him. He looked like dusted-off road kill, who'd just peeled himself off the asphalt to drag himself to class. His skin was sickly white and stretched thinly over his bones. His hair was lank and greasy, the colour of the sawdust they use in theme parks to soak up vomit. And his eyes were two limpid pools of yellow pond scum. He smelt like piss and mouldering flesh.

"Edward," I acknowledged him, and then turned my eyes to the teacher, who had just entered.

"Today, class," The teacher announced, "we will be dissecting frogs."

I heard a slobbery intake of breath coming from beside me. When I turned, Edward was still staring at me, and thick ropes of drool were trailing from his mouth to the metal dissecting tray on the lab bench. I blanched and swallowed the vomit that had come unbidden into my mouth.

The teacher was walking around the room, handing out dead frogs to lab pairs. He set a particularly large specimen on my tray, but before he could walk away I stopped him to ask a question.  
"Erm, sir?"  
"Yes, Bella?"  
"Can I please be exempt from this lesson?"  
"Well now Bella, I don't think that's possible."  
"But sir… I have… a problem."

The teacher's attention was cut off suddenly. He stared past me, over my shoulder, at something behind me. The sound of more slobbering reached my ears, now accompanied by loud crunching and sucking noises.  
"You think you've got problems?" The teacher said, and walked away in disgust.

I turned. Edward had twisted the dead frog's head off and was holding it upside down over his open mouth, his tongue questing for drops of blood beading at the frog's neck.  
I fell backwards off my lab chair in shock and revulsion. As my head hit the floor, I felt a searing pain, and then my vision faded into black.

When I woke up, Edward was carrying me, staring crazily into my eyes and breathing heavily. I shrieked and struggled, and fell out of his arms onto a soft carpet of grass.  
"You're awake," he rumbled.  
"What the shit? Where have you taken me?" I exclaimed, beginning to panic. This creep had taken me out of school, and now I was alone with him – in what looked like the middle of a forest – and probably nobody knew where we were. Then, because I'm so clumsy, I accidentally fell off a cliff.

Edward was waiting for me when I clawed my way back to the top.  
"I could have saved you," he said.  
"Well, why the fuck didn't you?" I asked irritably.  
He stared at me unfathomably.  
"I don't want to scare you," he said eventually.  
"You already fucking scare me," I snapped.  
"I'd rather die than live without you!" he suddenly blurted out. He stumbled over and took my hands. "What if I'm not the hero – what if I'm the bad guy? Say it, say it out loud! I want to hear your theories!"  
"I – "  
"You _are_ my life now," he continued. "I've been seventeen for a while! If you were smart you'd stay away from me! Are you scared? I watch you sleeping all the time!"  
"No, I'm pissed off. Get the fuck away from me," I snarled. "I'm going home."

I stalked off towards what looked like an old path through the forest. Edward called out after me.  
"You are my life now! What if I'm the bad guy! I must protect you! I wrote you a song!"  
"Leave me alone!" I shouted over my shoulder, and broke into a run.  
"Wait!" Edward bellowed out.  
I stopped.  
"I want to show you something."

I groaned and turned around. We were on opposite sides of a large, sunlit clearing; both of us standing in the shadows of the overhanging foliage.  
"Well? What is it?"

Edward stepped into the sunlight, and immediately turned into a giant disco ball. My lips parted in wonderment, and then trembled with the effort of not laughing.

Suddenly there was movement at the other side of the clearing. Edward raced over to me, as fast as is possible for a giant floating mirrored ball. Three people, who all resembled cadavers, came into view. One of them, the man standing in front of the other two, was staring at me with vicious intensity.  
"You brought a snack," he drawled.  
With sudden realisation, I knew what he wanted. I screamed, turned, and ran.  
The candy bar in my pocket bounced and jiggled as I bolted for safety. Behind me, I heard the crashing of bodies through the undergrowth, and I knew that death was inevitable…


	2. In Which Edward Hates Bella

AN: This one's from Edward's POV.

I was sitting at a table in the cafeteria, pretending to eat lunch with my 'family', when the new girl walked into the room. Staring across the vast hall at me with wide eyes, she obviously was unable to focus on anything at all due to my blinding immortal beauty. Inevitably, she crashed into a trolley of lunch trays and went down, cracking her head on the counter as she did so.

"Like, oh my gosh!" Alice, my adopted sister, giggled. "I totally saw that one coming!"

Everyone rolled their eyes. It was well known that, even if Alice did have the gift of seeing into the future, she wasn't exactly the sharpest crayon in the box. Even though some people like to think she's a deep and strong character, her favourite activities nullify any evidence for the former: Alice loves to throw parties, give people make-overs, and blow enough cash to feed Africa for a year on shopping sprees. Much like our adopted brother Emmett – he isn't the brightest tool in the shed, but he is certainly a tool. To emphasise my point, Emmett gave a loud whooping noise and pumped his fist in the air, grinning all round at us with wide eyes.

Rosalie, Emmett's mate, who is the beautifullest most sexy girl in the entire world, snarled at Emmett. Rosalie has absolutely no reason for existing, except for being pissy all the time. She's pissy because her life's goal is to have a baby, like every woman should want, and she can't have one because she'd effectively dead. This is amusing, because I can have children, which is biologically impossible. It's okay, though – we can't all be scientists, right, Stephenie Meyer? Anyway, hell, maybe it's Alice who shouldn't be alive. She's never expressed a desire to have children, and what good are women if not merely a uterus on legs? Our creator, The Supreme Goddess, otherwise known as Stephenie Meyer, has shown us that the only good thing about women is that they are 98 degrees and have two wet holes, and of course that they cook dinner and clean house for their police chief fathers.

There's not much to say about my other adopted brother, Jasper. He never really does or says anything interesting, just sits around looking melancholy and listening to The Used. You're probably wondering why four vampires were sitting in the middle of a school cafeteria filled with humans, too. The answer: we don't eat humans. We are "vegetarians", so we only eat things like bears, tofu, mountain lions, stray dogs, and the occasional toad.

At any rate, I noticed something strange when I was staring right at the new girl (her name was Stella Bon, or some stupid human name). I couldn't hear her thoughts.

I should explain. All vampires have this amazing gift. Apart from us being incredibly beautiful, sexy, hot, sexy, gorgeous, stunning, hot, beautiful, amazing, gorgeous, hot, sexy, hot, and transcendentally gorgeous, we're also fast, faster than a runaway cattle train, faster than a bullet rolling down a hill, and of course much, much faster than a cheetah with three legs and no eyes. We're also strong, stronger than a jet of pressurised water, stronger than a termite-riddled tree, stronger than those guys who can pick up cars on _Guinness World Records_, even. And each of us has some kind of amazing gift that only vampire can have, like seeing into the future, changing the moods of a crowd, hitting the center of the dart board in one go, or baking a soufflé without buggering it up. I can read people's minds.

But I couldn't read hers.

"Hey guys," I murmured to my family. Immediately all their attention was focused on me. As it should be: I am the Golden Boy of the series, after all.  
"What's with the new girl?"  
All of them shrugged.  
"I can't see into her head," I continued.  
"She doesn't look, like, smart or anything," Alice said. "Maybe she's like, really dumb. Maybe that's why you can't see into her head, and stuff."

I looked over at the new girl. She was trying to use the counter to lever herself up off the ground. Instead, she grabbed somebody's lunch tray, slipped, and landed one more flat on her back; this time with a becoming wig of spaghetti bolognese and a pattern of yoghurt-splatters on her shabby jeans. After several unsuccessful tries, I decided it was time to intervene.

I headed over to her. She was lying on the floor in tears. Fair enough, too, everyone in the cafeteria was in hysterics over her little performance. Because I'm so serious and have no sense of humour, I wasn't laughing. I grabbed her hand and pulled her to her feet, wrinkling my nose as I did so. Eew. She smelt like bacon cooked in piss. Or garbage rotting in the sun. In any case, it wasn't pleasant.

"Th – thankyou," she gasped. She was kind of stooped over, staring right into my eyes with a deer-in-the-headlight expression.  
"You're welcome," I said, gagging a little. I turned to leave, but she reached out and put her hand on my arm. I shuddered in revulsion.  
"My name's Bella, Bella Swan," she said urgently, like it was something of great importance.  
"Er… cool."  
Bella was staring at me expectantly.  
"Oh. I'm, uh, Edward… Cullen."  
"_Soo_ nice to meet you," she gushed.

Uh-oh. This never bodes well.

"Do you want to hear my theories?" Bella said.  
"Not really, I kind of have to…"  
"You're in love with me, because of my human fragility and my endearing clumsiness. That's got to be it, right? I have no other redeeming qualities – I'm not pretty, popular, clever, strong-willed, or virtuous in any way. Besides, you're _sooo_ pretty! The hot guy _always_ falls for the common, unpopular girl. It happens in real life _all the time_."  
"Wait, what – "  
"Shh, Edward… it's okay, I'd rather die than live without you…"

I sighed. She'd given me an ultimatum. Seeing as I had no intention of hanging around her more than I could possibly avoid, it would be best to do as she wished. I am a man of my word, after all.

I took her by the hand and lead her out of the cafeteria. Nobody was around. Bella's eyes sparkled as she leant in for a kiss. I gave her a quick uppercut to the face, and her head flew off her shoulders and rolled away into the bushes.

Once the great gouts of blood had ceased flowing from her neck, I got down on my hands and knees and hoovered up the blood off the cement walkway, then strung her body up in a nearby tree. As soon as all the evidence was disposed of, I dusted off my hands and nonchalantly walked back into the cafeteria, whistling a merry tune.


	3. In Which Jacob is Emo

Jacob Black flicked his long, luscious hair over his shoulder and heaved a great sigh. It _just_ _was not fair_. His favourite motorcycle helmet had been lost, and the only one he had left was a shiny pink one with flower stickers all over it. Come to think of it, Jacob didn't mind it that much. In fact, he was very in touch with his feminine side, and he actually liked pink. But it was _so_ poetic and trendy to be depressed. The helmet wasn't the only problem. Jacob's father, Billy Black, had forbidden him from getting a lip piercing. Can you imagine? Poor Jacob Black, forever to be barred from having metal shoved painfully through his lower face, was quite in the depths of despair.

"It's _just not fair_," Jacob muttered to himself as he slumped down on his bed. _Everyone_ had lip piercings these days, and Jacob wanted to express his individuality by following the trend. His father _just didn't understand_. Soon enough, because he was so depressed, his mind turned to other, more pressing, matters. Like Bella Swan. Bella was so perfect, beautiful, clever and amazing, and Jacob lusted over her the way only fourteen-year-olds can. _But she_ _was in love with another man_. Jacob's lip trembled, and tears filled his eyes. He stuck one hand under his bed and rummaged for a bus ticket, sobbing pathetically. With the thin edge of the paper, he attempted to cut his wrists. The paper crumpled in his hand, and he sobbed even louder.

"Why? Why aren't I good enough?" Jacob sobbed to himself. "Why does nobody want or understand me?" Unfortunately, he had nobody to talk to about his feelings, because he was the only person in the world who'd ever been upset or felt the bite of unrequited love. Truly, nobody understood his deep and enduring pain. Poor, poor Jacob.

"I know!" Jacob exclaimed (he had a rather unsettling habit of talking to himself aloud in times of great duress). "I'll write poetry. I'll explain my eternal love and devotion and express the fathomless depths of my bitter, wretched pain." (Or something to that effect.) He pulled a notepad towards him, located a pencil under his bed, and sat there chewing his lip.

As he wrote, crossed things out and made amends, he talked to himself.

"Oh Bella, my perfect goddess… no, that's stupid. Oh Bella, my divine goddess, my heart aches with love for you. No, that's gay, she won't like that. Hmm. Maybe I should try something else," Jacob mused, and sat for a moment in contemplation. After a few minutes, he picked up his pencil again.  
"My heart is a deep black hole. No – my heart is a deep grave…"

It took him a while to finish. When he was done, he sat back and grinned in triumph as he re-read it. If Bella didn't fall for him after this, he would eat his shiny pink helmet.

***

The next day, after Bella came out of school, Jacob was waiting for her beside her hideous truck. Bella smiled warmly as she approached.  
"Hi, Jacob," she gushed. "What are you doing here?"  
"Hey Bells," Jacob replied. He did a quick area check to make sure Edward was nowhere in sight before continuing. "I brought you something. Here." He shoved the envelope containing the poem into Bella's hands and blushed profusely, scuffing his feet in embarrassment. Bella opened the envelope and read the poem.

Dear Bella, I wrote this for you.

My heart  
Is like a deep grave  
Where I bury my love for you  
My love that will last forever  
And is undead  
And like a zombie  
You can't kill it.  
I burn with sorrow  
Like a black rose  
That bleeds blood in the graveyard at midnight  
Like the depths of my despair  
Midnight, I mean  
Anyway, I love you a lot  
More than Romeo loved Juliet… or whatever?  
If your shit was on fire  
I would piss in your ass  
Because my love for you  
Is like a black hole like  
My heart (thatburnswithsorrow).

Love JACOB XXX

Bella looked up at Jacob and her eyes with filled with love. She smiled slowly, and Jacob's pulse sped up.  
"Well… what do you think?" Jacob asked. He couldn't tear his eyes away from her deep, deep, shiny, pretty, glowing, nice, really pretty, shiny, deep eyes. Bella dropped her gaze, blushed, and then looked up at Jacob through her eyelashes.

"Oh Jacob," she sighed, "I love a man who drinks from the toilet."


End file.
